I HAD BEEN BEGGING DORIS to please come down and spend some time with me. We always have such a good time together, so she said "why not?" and showed up on Thursday afternoon, along with her pug (of 14 years), Miss B.
We went to Haulover Beach on Friday, which is the nude beach. I had never been to a nude beach before. When we got to the parking area, we were amazed at how many parking spaces were available. A mom with a little boy came up to us and asked if we knew if there was anything to eat on the beach. Doris answers "did you know that this is a nude beach?". The lady then points to a busload of orthodox Jews entering the tunnel to the beach. We figured we might have the wrong entrance, so we went to another parking area. After asking the attendant if this was the nude beach, we were assured that we were in the right place.
We took our chairs and proceeded to the beach. Not everyone was naked. Just 98% of the people! I had been talking with an attorney, who's name was Newton, but he went by Newt. He had agreed to "show us the ropes" and told us where he would be. We trudge what seemed like miles to the southernmost fence where he said he would meet us. Now all I knew about the guy is that he was very tan (head to toe), had a great body (worked out a lot), a short white beard and a big Nelson, as I had seen his picture. He is 52. We set our chairs in the sand near the water and proceeded to rip off our sundresses. We of course had nothing underneath. Doris had spent plenty of time naked, as she is a nudist. I had not. Once I took off my dress, I was as embarassed as I could possibly be. I decided that it couldn't get any worse. Wrong!!!
After I was settled and opened my eyes, I realize that we are about twenty feet from the beach where people go that have bathing suits on. Thus, not only was I been seen by naked people, I was being seen by clothed people as well. We looked around and saw several guys that could have been Newt. I spotted one just down the beach and said loudly "Newt". Doris slapped me on the hand and says "you sound like you're saying NUDE - not NEWT. Damn.
There was absolutely NO way I was going to get up and go up to guys to ask them if they were Newt. So, I turn to Doris and say "go over there and ask that guy if he's Newt". She refuses several times, but when I tell her she's not getting any water until she finds Newt, she relents. She goes up to the first guy and says "are you an attorney?". "Why - do you need one?" says the guy. Turns out not to be Newt. The next guy she asks knows Newt but says he isn't there. No problem.
Doris gets a call from a guy I gave her number to so he could ask her out. Confusing? I'm her pimp. I get dates for her. She hasn't had much luck lately, so I'm helping her out. He says he's in Ft. Lauderdale but is coming to Haulover to meet her. For the first time! Nude. Well, he shows up and they're lying on towels, talking when I get a phone call from Newt. He tells me that he's sorry he missed us then proceeds to tell me he's married. No problem - he was just going to be a "nude beach mentor" anyway, I really didn't care. Then he tells me he's only been married for a year!!! Red flags are flying, horns are blaring and I proceed to rip into him. He had even asked if I wanted to be his FB, which I didn't, and he's only been married a YEAR??? His name is Newton St. John and he's a nudist attorney, just in case his wife OF ONE YEAR reads this blog.
It gets worse...
A few minutes later, I realize that my phone is flashing. "YOU HAVE MAIL". I check my messages and Newt had left this message: "Sorry I missed you today. I didn't see anyone that looked like you and Doris. The only women I saw who were alone were two old ladies". The nerve!!!
WE WERE THE ONLY TWO FEMALES TOGETHER ON THE WHOLE BEACH!!! HE WAS TALKING ABOUT US!!!!!!!!!!! So, we spent the next hour deciding his fate - would it be scalding hot or ice cold water??? Or acid? Diabolical plots ran rampant.
That night we went to Barchetta by the Bay for dinner. We tried to find a Latin club I had heard about but never did. We took the girls out and had a slumber party until 2 am. Saturday, we had planned to go back to Haulover, but the parking lot was full. So - we instituted "Plan b" - Hollywood Beach. We sat with Vito, an adorable 85 year old Italian man and visited with all the "regulars". Monroe, the ice cream magnate, was celebrating his 80th birthday. Everyone had chipped in and hired a lane to f ly a banner over the beach that said "Happy 80th Birthday Monroe". He was just thrilled and there was champagne and cake for everyone. It was a fun day and we picked up Pollo Tropicale chicken dinners and headed home.
Sunday, we headed to the Miami Beach Marina for lunch at Monte's. We then caught a bus to downtown South Beach. We went in several stores, walked by the outside cafes and had a great time. Before we knew it, it was time to head out - I had a date at 5. Here are the pictures we took in SoBe:
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