First Quarter 2009

WINNERS AND LOSERS

I have been advised to not use real names in the interest of potential liability. Therefore, all names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty, the winners as well as the losers. If you recognize yourself, don’t blame me. Let’s start with the losers:

Vampire

We had some great times together, especially during Mardi Gras on Hollywood Beach. Standing me up on my birthday wasn’t very nice and the only reason he is on the “losers” list. We dated a few times a year ago and reconnected in February. I was two hours late for a lunch date once last year but he was really sweet about it. I guess he could be either a “dumper” or a “dumpee”.

The Professer The most recent “dumper”. He had so much going for him – looks, personality, intelligence, class. He’s a college professor, professional underwater photographer with works in local galleries, and an “on air personality” with NPR radio. What he didn’t have was tolerance. He’s lived alone most of his life and is looking for perfection. He’s been a bachelor for 45 of his 50 years. We were highly incompatible. On a trip to Key Largo, he informs me that he needs some “personal time”. Fortunately, I had my car and was able to take off. Two problems – I was low on gas (he had offered to buy me a tank of gas), and I didn’t know how to get home. I just kept heading north and east but ended up taking the absolute worst route.

The Trucker

Lunch and only lunch – with our respective pooches, Ginger and Sophia. I find out he’s got a steady girlfriend after chatting and texting for two weeks. Then he forwards stupid jokes to my phone on a regular basis. I had to tell this “Dumpee” to delete my phone number.

The Musician Poor little guy. He couldn’t help it that he was so short and fat. A sweet person who didn’t want to be “just friends”. The day he took me out to lunch at an Israeli restaurant was the next to the last straw. He showed up in sweatpants and bedroom slippers. The last straw was the night he was playing in downtown Hollywood. He insisted in making out on a park bench in plain sight of the entire world. If anyone I knew had seen us, I would have died of mortification. I wish him the best always, though.

AND THE WINNERS FOR THIS QUARTER ARE:

JC Having loved him for almost 20 years, he has been a winner and always will be. Maybe this year will be the one we will see one another again after over 15 years apart. He’ll always have a piece of my heart.

MO Another winner, he has been in my life for over two years and knows me better than my own mother. Some of the best times have been with him and I am proud to call him my friend and…

Gypsy Best girlfriend in Florida. A nudist and a beautiful woman inside and out. We know that we can always count on one another. And boy have we had some adventures! One day we were at Haulover and she went walking with some guy and when she returned, another guy, Ken, was sitting with me. He was clothed and, upon being questioned by Gypsy, admitted that he didn’t want to take off his clothes because of a certain body part being too small. We battered and berated the poor guy to death. I doubt that we’ll ever run into him again but it was so funny. Everything we talked about ended up in him launching into a Frank Sinatra song. (You hadda be there)

Barbie Friends since jr. high school in Charlotte, our bond will never be broken. Although we were out of touch for almost 35 years or so, we have picked up our friendship right where it left off. I love her dearly. We returned to Charlotte for our 40th Myers Park High School reunion. It was held at Myers Park Country Club, which was my summer hangout when I visited my grandparents. We couldn’t believe how many fat, bald men were in attendance. We only knew one other person and she was a shallow snob. And we were best friends! Go figure.

Jimbo My special “man-friend”, we do things together when neither of us has plans with someone else. Unfortunately, he has been extremely lucky in love this quarter and I haven’t seen him since before Christmas. He’s off for a week in April and we plan to get together to make up for lost time. He’s polishing up the jet ski.

Roomie My roommate. Poor guy, he’s in the mortgage and real estate business which is not doing well these days. I talked him into taking social security early, like me. I think he’s glad he did. We get along with each other fairly well. Of course he is a man, that can’t be helped. Thus, the king of the remote control. He’s really good about watching a show when there’s something I want to see, like “House”. I can watch DVDs in my bedroom, so if he has a date, I can disappear. Vice versa.

The Firefighter My hot number from up north. He’s not really a firefighter by profession but he is a volunteer rescue diver. He makes me feel like a million bucks every time we’re together. Oh – and he’s built like a fireman! I forget how old/young he is but I know he’s just a few years older than Charlene.

Looking back, I must admit that the past three months haven’t been very pleasant. The year started with me sick in bed with some kind of bug that took almost three months to shake off! Charlene had her 40th birthday party and the girls all had a great time. She must have grown up when I wasn’t watching. I drowned my camera in a jet ski incident. My laptop crashed and I moved from Miami Beach to Hollywood. Then I lost my job and filed for unemployment and social security. Could things possibly get any worse? I’m happy to know that there’s always a silver lining. And the Laws of Attraction.

Most of January was spent moving and rearranging my priorities. After all, I was unemployed and officially retired. I contacted the Red Cross to get my chapter affiliation changed, I believe that I’ve completed all of my Red Cross Training that’s mandatory. They don’t have a Pet First Aid program here. Maybe I can start one! I also contacted the Pompano Beach Fire Department to see how to get on their CERT team. (Community Emergency Response Team) I’m “graduating” in June where I will receive my badge.

Valentine’s Day was a bit of a bust, although MO took me out for a nice dinner and a club the week-end before and I had Chilean sea bass for the first time. Yum! In March, I went to the Mardi Gras celebrations on Hollywood Beach with Vampire and ate crawfish and corn on the cob. It was so much fun that I went back on Fat Tuesday by myself for more crawfish and corn. The problem was that it was very cold. In March, I went to a club called “Lips” with Vampire. It was a riot – all of the waiters were men dressed up like women. The food was mediocre, at best, but the prices were reasonable and the entertainment was a hoot! Also in March, I helped coach tennis at the Special Olympics Broward County Games.

The weather hasn’t been particularly nice - all three months have been cool and cloudy. There were only a few beach days the whole quarter. Fortunately, Gypsy and I were able to go to Haulover a couple of times and pick up a little color. Of course, it faded quickly as more cool weather prevailed until the end of March. I hooked up with The Firefighter a few times, which is always special. Mmmm Champagne and Chinese! Burgers at Ocean Alley. What a guy! What a body! What a view from his condo!

That pretty brings things up to speed. As I’m writing this, it is the 1st day of April, 2009. I wonder what this next quarter will hold. Charles is coming down to visit me for a couple of weeks this summer, so I should have some exciting pictures to share. I’m getting him a good mask and snorkel for his birthday and will have him breathing from a regulator by the time he leaves. I’m hoping we can get a little place in the Keys for a week. Time will tell. I’ll keep ya posted!

It's 2009 and I'm Doin' Fine

Looking back to the last time I updated this, last year contained many very fine times. The most memorable event seems to be the most embarrassing. Jimbo and I were out on the maiden voyage of his new jet ski when he decided he needed to check the intake pipe for seaweed. We were at the cruise ship terminal with huge cruise ships looming over us and no where to land or even tie up. Jimbo spotted a small pier and we headed over to stop for a minute. Just as we reached the dock, these Cuban guys ran out to us waving their arms and saying “no no no”. We correctly assumed that we weren’t allowed to tie up there, so we backed up when the unthinkable happened…the jet ski started to roll. And roll. And roll. It’s a three person BIG machine and when it rolls, it’s impossible to stop. You guessed it – in the water we go. Jimbo rights it and tells me to climb up the ladder. No problem, right? Except that the bottom rung of the ladder is higher than my shoulder! Plus, there was nothing to hold on to that would enable me to pull myself up. Jimbo says (and not in a polite way) “DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE YOU UP BY THE ASS?” I realized it was the only way I was going to get my ass back on, so I said YES! I finally flopped onto the seat and Jimbo climbed on after me, which meant I had to drive the thing. All of a sudden, we hear clapping and cheering from the seawall. There were busloads of cruise ship passengers waiting to board their ships that had witnessed the entire “event”. What else could I do but wave my fuchsia sequined ball cap in celebration? The second time we rolled it, we had been tooling around in Biscayne Bay and were about 30 yards from the dock when, all of a sudden, the damn thing starts rolling again. It truly has a mind of its own. Unfortunately, I was getting comfortable enough to be holding my camera in my hand as we docked. You guessed it. It’s history now. The camera that is. Yes, 2008 was the year that had its ups and downs. Let’s see…here are a few highlights: Getting a job and moving to Miami Beach started the year with a bang! Loving life in my condo with views of Miami Beach, downtown Miami, and the cruise ship terminals. Date with a gigolo and the acquisition of a pair of $150 flip flops just like Paris Hilton’s. Sitting across from the aforementioned Hilton in a restaurant while my dining partner was explaining the origins of the word “F_ _ K”. It really has an honorable beginning. Watching a girlfriend make a fool of herself over Dennis Rodman. He’s a total jerk. Watching polo (with real horses) right smack dab on Miami Beach and cheering for Team Lamborghini. (If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you the $40 hat.) Seeing Owen Wilson, the actor, at aforementioned polo match. Becoming a regular at the nude beach. I still prefer to not go by myself, but at least I know a few people there to sit with if I want. Attending the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show. I’ve never walked so much in my entire life. I was invited aboard some of the mega-yachts. It’s definitely “invitation only” and you have to remove your shoes before boarding. I was overwhelmingly awed. My only regret is not discovering the food court until the end of the day. There was so much good food – grilled anything you can imagine, including shrimp and lobster, homemade potato chips, fresh lemonade, fruit kabobs. Everything that I love to eat. Of course, the old standbys hotdogs and burgers but who would eat that with all the fresh and healthy stuff so readily available? I also met Guy Harvey. (You can tell I was impressed.) Spending 4th of July in the Keys – diving, water skiing, jet skiing, windsurfing, and parasailing. First time I’ve seen a shark on a night dive. Discovered Kombucha. Taking the cruise ship Discovery to Freeport Bahamas with Gypsy. We had SO much fun. Met some really nice people, worked on our tans. Getting my Master Scuba Diver certification, along with presents from PADI and my “500 Dives” patch. Spending Christmas with my mom. I hadn’t seen her in two years and she is, and always will be, my soulmate. Charlene came up on Christmas Eve and we cooked a turkey dinner together. It was also great seeing my nephews for the first time in about 15 years. Getting tickets to “The Rock Boat” which was a 233 foot yacht turned into a museum that housed jewels from all over the world. The REAL Art Deco jewelry was awe inspiring. Gypsy and I were escorted to the bridge to meet the Captain. (I arranged in advance, of course) He’s just a kid but a nice one. Then Gypsy and I went to the newly reopened and refurbished Fontainebleu Hotel, where we had a cocktail by the “lounging pool” complete with round sofa beds, infinity edge and fiber optic lighting. The $38 bill was a bit of a stunner. For ONE martini and ONE beer! The only downer was spending New Year’s Eve in bed. Even that had it’s “ups”, though. I spent the day at the beach with friends, then went to the Crab House for a martini and some clam chowder. I woke up just before midnight and celebrated the new year standing on the seawall with a cop watching all the different fireworks displays across the bay. We counted to 29 and quit counting. I can’t wait to write about New Year’s Eve 2009 and compare notes. I’m sure there are lots of things I have forgotten, but that just means they can’t be that important. The “losers” from this year are long forgotten and the winners are still in my life.