In Like a Lion and Out Like a Lion

The bird of paradise (above) is/was just outside my front door. The are everywhere, as well as mango trees, parrots, and big and little iguanas. This April was one of the windiest I can remember. The weather has been beautiful – in the 80’s during the day and upper 60’s at night. Perfect beach weather. However, if you stay too late and the sun starts going down, it gets chilly quickly. I’ve kept a sweatshirt in my car all month. There have been days that it was entirely too windy to sit on the beach. Talk about micro-dermabrasion! Someone gave me an umbrella, but when it’s windy like that, you can’t use it. I’ve been doing lots of reading this month. I keep going back to James Patterson. Every book I read of his seems to be better than the one before. The most recent one I read was called “Quickie”. It was so good, I sat up until 3:00 a.m. to finish reading it. I’ve also discovered another writer, JD Konrath. I thought she was a woman until recently. All of his books are named after cocktails, like “Dirty Martini”, “Rusty Nail”, and the most recent “Fuzzy Navel”. The books all have the same heroine – a detective named Jacqueline Daniels. “Jack Daniels” – get it? If you decide to read them, try to read them in the order in which they were written. Some of the characters from previous stories show up. ESPECIALLY in “Fuzzy Navel”. My social life has been pretty dry this month. Lunches with MO and watching DVDs with Roomie have been the highlights of my social scene. That’s okay, I’ve been able to get a lot done. Everything I own is in boxes or bins and ready to go to storage. All that’s holding me up is Roomie. I keep trying to get him to help me get that huge TV out of storage so I can start piling up boxes. Of course, I’ve only been after him since February. Sheesh – I feel like a nagging old wife sometimes. So –I’ve decided that if he wants to live with boxes in the foyer, so be it. I took on a “project” in February. I met this man, “Techno” through Craigslist. He was looking for a walking partner, so I contacted him. As it turns out, he lives only a few blocks from me. We started walking on a daily basis and what started as a five minute “stroll” has turned into either a 20 minute power walk or an hour long walk at a slower pace. We walk in parks or around his apartment community. I spent Easter week-end with his family and was welcomed with open arms. We’ve kind of adopted each other as family. He has made significant progress, but still has quite a way to go yet. He’s a wonderful guy who has introduced me to the world of “techno” music, which has certainly been an education. He hosts a show over the internet on Friday evenings, and it’s turned into a semi-talk show. I kid him about the music being “noise” and he tells a story about that particular song. It’s kind of a “good cop, bad cop” scenario and lots of fun.

First Quarter 2009

WINNERS AND LOSERS

I have been advised to not use real names in the interest of potential liability. Therefore, all names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty, the winners as well as the losers. If you recognize yourself, don’t blame me. Let’s start with the losers:

Vampire

We had some great times together, especially during Mardi Gras on Hollywood Beach. Standing me up on my birthday wasn’t very nice and the only reason he is on the “losers” list. We dated a few times a year ago and reconnected in February. I was two hours late for a lunch date once last year but he was really sweet about it. I guess he could be either a “dumper” or a “dumpee”.

The Professer The most recent “dumper”. He had so much going for him – looks, personality, intelligence, class. He’s a college professor, professional underwater photographer with works in local galleries, and an “on air personality” with NPR radio. What he didn’t have was tolerance. He’s lived alone most of his life and is looking for perfection. He’s been a bachelor for 45 of his 50 years. We were highly incompatible. On a trip to Key Largo, he informs me that he needs some “personal time”. Fortunately, I had my car and was able to take off. Two problems – I was low on gas (he had offered to buy me a tank of gas), and I didn’t know how to get home. I just kept heading north and east but ended up taking the absolute worst route.

The Trucker

Lunch and only lunch – with our respective pooches, Ginger and Sophia. I find out he’s got a steady girlfriend after chatting and texting for two weeks. Then he forwards stupid jokes to my phone on a regular basis. I had to tell this “Dumpee” to delete my phone number.

The Musician Poor little guy. He couldn’t help it that he was so short and fat. A sweet person who didn’t want to be “just friends”. The day he took me out to lunch at an Israeli restaurant was the next to the last straw. He showed up in sweatpants and bedroom slippers. The last straw was the night he was playing in downtown Hollywood. He insisted in making out on a park bench in plain sight of the entire world. If anyone I knew had seen us, I would have died of mortification. I wish him the best always, though.

AND THE WINNERS FOR THIS QUARTER ARE:

JC Having loved him for almost 20 years, he has been a winner and always will be. Maybe this year will be the one we will see one another again after over 15 years apart. He’ll always have a piece of my heart.

MO Another winner, he has been in my life for over two years and knows me better than my own mother. Some of the best times have been with him and I am proud to call him my friend and…

Gypsy Best girlfriend in Florida. A nudist and a beautiful woman inside and out. We know that we can always count on one another. And boy have we had some adventures! One day we were at Haulover and she went walking with some guy and when she returned, another guy, Ken, was sitting with me. He was clothed and, upon being questioned by Gypsy, admitted that he didn’t want to take off his clothes because of a certain body part being too small. We battered and berated the poor guy to death. I doubt that we’ll ever run into him again but it was so funny. Everything we talked about ended up in him launching into a Frank Sinatra song. (You hadda be there)

Barbie Friends since jr. high school in Charlotte, our bond will never be broken. Although we were out of touch for almost 35 years or so, we have picked up our friendship right where it left off. I love her dearly. We returned to Charlotte for our 40th Myers Park High School reunion. It was held at Myers Park Country Club, which was my summer hangout when I visited my grandparents. We couldn’t believe how many fat, bald men were in attendance. We only knew one other person and she was a shallow snob. And we were best friends! Go figure.

Jimbo My special “man-friend”, we do things together when neither of us has plans with someone else. Unfortunately, he has been extremely lucky in love this quarter and I haven’t seen him since before Christmas. He’s off for a week in April and we plan to get together to make up for lost time. He’s polishing up the jet ski.

Roomie My roommate. Poor guy, he’s in the mortgage and real estate business which is not doing well these days. I talked him into taking social security early, like me. I think he’s glad he did. We get along with each other fairly well. Of course he is a man, that can’t be helped. Thus, the king of the remote control. He’s really good about watching a show when there’s something I want to see, like “House”. I can watch DVDs in my bedroom, so if he has a date, I can disappear. Vice versa.

The Firefighter My hot number from up north. He’s not really a firefighter by profession but he is a volunteer rescue diver. He makes me feel like a million bucks every time we’re together. Oh – and he’s built like a fireman! I forget how old/young he is but I know he’s just a few years older than Charlene.

Looking back, I must admit that the past three months haven’t been very pleasant. The year started with me sick in bed with some kind of bug that took almost three months to shake off! Charlene had her 40th birthday party and the girls all had a great time. She must have grown up when I wasn’t watching. I drowned my camera in a jet ski incident. My laptop crashed and I moved from Miami Beach to Hollywood. Then I lost my job and filed for unemployment and social security. Could things possibly get any worse? I’m happy to know that there’s always a silver lining. And the Laws of Attraction.

Most of January was spent moving and rearranging my priorities. After all, I was unemployed and officially retired. I contacted the Red Cross to get my chapter affiliation changed, I believe that I’ve completed all of my Red Cross Training that’s mandatory. They don’t have a Pet First Aid program here. Maybe I can start one! I also contacted the Pompano Beach Fire Department to see how to get on their CERT team. (Community Emergency Response Team) I’m “graduating” in June where I will receive my badge.

Valentine’s Day was a bit of a bust, although MO took me out for a nice dinner and a club the week-end before and I had Chilean sea bass for the first time. Yum! In March, I went to the Mardi Gras celebrations on Hollywood Beach with Vampire and ate crawfish and corn on the cob. It was so much fun that I went back on Fat Tuesday by myself for more crawfish and corn. The problem was that it was very cold. In March, I went to a club called “Lips” with Vampire. It was a riot – all of the waiters were men dressed up like women. The food was mediocre, at best, but the prices were reasonable and the entertainment was a hoot! Also in March, I helped coach tennis at the Special Olympics Broward County Games.

The weather hasn’t been particularly nice - all three months have been cool and cloudy. There were only a few beach days the whole quarter. Fortunately, Gypsy and I were able to go to Haulover a couple of times and pick up a little color. Of course, it faded quickly as more cool weather prevailed until the end of March. I hooked up with The Firefighter a few times, which is always special. Mmmm Champagne and Chinese! Burgers at Ocean Alley. What a guy! What a body! What a view from his condo!

That pretty brings things up to speed. As I’m writing this, it is the 1st day of April, 2009. I wonder what this next quarter will hold. Charles is coming down to visit me for a couple of weeks this summer, so I should have some exciting pictures to share. I’m getting him a good mask and snorkel for his birthday and will have him breathing from a regulator by the time he leaves. I’m hoping we can get a little place in the Keys for a week. Time will tell. I’ll keep ya posted!

It's 2009 and I'm Doin' Fine

Looking back to the last time I updated this, last year contained many very fine times. The most memorable event seems to be the most embarrassing. Jimbo and I were out on the maiden voyage of his new jet ski when he decided he needed to check the intake pipe for seaweed. We were at the cruise ship terminal with huge cruise ships looming over us and no where to land or even tie up. Jimbo spotted a small pier and we headed over to stop for a minute. Just as we reached the dock, these Cuban guys ran out to us waving their arms and saying “no no no”. We correctly assumed that we weren’t allowed to tie up there, so we backed up when the unthinkable happened…the jet ski started to roll. And roll. And roll. It’s a three person BIG machine and when it rolls, it’s impossible to stop. You guessed it – in the water we go. Jimbo rights it and tells me to climb up the ladder. No problem, right? Except that the bottom rung of the ladder is higher than my shoulder! Plus, there was nothing to hold on to that would enable me to pull myself up. Jimbo says (and not in a polite way) “DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE YOU UP BY THE ASS?” I realized it was the only way I was going to get my ass back on, so I said YES! I finally flopped onto the seat and Jimbo climbed on after me, which meant I had to drive the thing. All of a sudden, we hear clapping and cheering from the seawall. There were busloads of cruise ship passengers waiting to board their ships that had witnessed the entire “event”. What else could I do but wave my fuchsia sequined ball cap in celebration? The second time we rolled it, we had been tooling around in Biscayne Bay and were about 30 yards from the dock when, all of a sudden, the damn thing starts rolling again. It truly has a mind of its own. Unfortunately, I was getting comfortable enough to be holding my camera in my hand as we docked. You guessed it. It’s history now. The camera that is. Yes, 2008 was the year that had its ups and downs. Let’s see…here are a few highlights: Getting a job and moving to Miami Beach started the year with a bang! Loving life in my condo with views of Miami Beach, downtown Miami, and the cruise ship terminals. Date with a gigolo and the acquisition of a pair of $150 flip flops just like Paris Hilton’s. Sitting across from the aforementioned Hilton in a restaurant while my dining partner was explaining the origins of the word “F_ _ K”. It really has an honorable beginning. Watching a girlfriend make a fool of herself over Dennis Rodman. He’s a total jerk. Watching polo (with real horses) right smack dab on Miami Beach and cheering for Team Lamborghini. (If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you the $40 hat.) Seeing Owen Wilson, the actor, at aforementioned polo match. Becoming a regular at the nude beach. I still prefer to not go by myself, but at least I know a few people there to sit with if I want. Attending the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show. I’ve never walked so much in my entire life. I was invited aboard some of the mega-yachts. It’s definitely “invitation only” and you have to remove your shoes before boarding. I was overwhelmingly awed. My only regret is not discovering the food court until the end of the day. There was so much good food – grilled anything you can imagine, including shrimp and lobster, homemade potato chips, fresh lemonade, fruit kabobs. Everything that I love to eat. Of course, the old standbys hotdogs and burgers but who would eat that with all the fresh and healthy stuff so readily available? I also met Guy Harvey. (You can tell I was impressed.) Spending 4th of July in the Keys – diving, water skiing, jet skiing, windsurfing, and parasailing. First time I’ve seen a shark on a night dive. Discovered Kombucha. Taking the cruise ship Discovery to Freeport Bahamas with Gypsy. We had SO much fun. Met some really nice people, worked on our tans. Getting my Master Scuba Diver certification, along with presents from PADI and my “500 Dives” patch. Spending Christmas with my mom. I hadn’t seen her in two years and she is, and always will be, my soulmate. Charlene came up on Christmas Eve and we cooked a turkey dinner together. It was also great seeing my nephews for the first time in about 15 years. Getting tickets to “The Rock Boat” which was a 233 foot yacht turned into a museum that housed jewels from all over the world. The REAL Art Deco jewelry was awe inspiring. Gypsy and I were escorted to the bridge to meet the Captain. (I arranged in advance, of course) He’s just a kid but a nice one. Then Gypsy and I went to the newly reopened and refurbished Fontainebleu Hotel, where we had a cocktail by the “lounging pool” complete with round sofa beds, infinity edge and fiber optic lighting. The $38 bill was a bit of a stunner. For ONE martini and ONE beer! The only downer was spending New Year’s Eve in bed. Even that had it’s “ups”, though. I spent the day at the beach with friends, then went to the Crab House for a martini and some clam chowder. I woke up just before midnight and celebrated the new year standing on the seawall with a cop watching all the different fireworks displays across the bay. We counted to 29 and quit counting. I can’t wait to write about New Year’s Eve 2009 and compare notes. I’m sure there are lots of things I have forgotten, but that just means they can’t be that important. The “losers” from this year are long forgotten and the winners are still in my life.

MY DATE WITH A GIGOLO

It all started with my ad on craigslist.com, seeking new friends to show me around town. I got a response from “Mel”. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) It was about 10 paragraphs long and the funniest e-mail I could imagine. He talked about his “money back guarantee”, and promised me that he would treat me like a lady, and cited reasons that I should go out with him. Now, I’m thinking that this guy is just the funniest person I’ve ever corresponded with. I’m thinking this “money back guarantee” is a joke, right? Wrong! He thought he had sent me his business card with the e-mail but didn’t. When I saw the business card, some of the things he said made perfect sense, but still incredibly funny. So, I sent him a list of the top ten reasons I didn’t need to pay anyone for their company. Of course, number 1 was the fact that I was currently unemployed and broke. He responded with an e-mail challenging my top ten and wrote this: “First off, I'm not trying to badger you or cause you consternation. I'm not a weirdo stalker or anything. I just have a really bad case of "blabberfingers" (aka of a different era: blabbermouth) and an overactive sense of humor and imagination and I need to go out with you if only once for fifteen minutes.”This is just too much fun. Please can we hook up for an initial "in person" chat or something?. Is this going to be possible? Please say yes!!!” How could I refuse such earnest pleading? And what a personality!!! He was adorable in every way, so I had to say yes. The logistics were fairly complicated. He was going to sleep with me (on my blow up bed), when I asked him if his wife wouldn’t be expecting him to sleep in a hotel. “HOLY COW”, he said “of course - I didn’t even think of that – she’ll ask for the receipt”. (She keeps the books) So, he booked a room at the hotel just up the street. My day Friday was fraught with errands and unexpected delays. I had to get my nails done and the gal was slow as molasses. The post office is always crowded and I had to get to Publix to purchase a pass for the freeway. I’m in Publix and it’s 5:00. “Mel” was supposed to pick me up at 6:00 and I was still 30 minutes from home. Fortunately, he was late as well. I rushed home, threw on some make-up and a royal blue cocktail dress but didn’t have time to take out Ginger or put away the refrigerated/frozen groceries. So, he shows up and I give him his choice of chores – take out the dog or put away the groceries. When I told him that he had to pick up the poop with a plastic bag, he opted for the grocery detail. He had made reservations at a “surprise” restaurant for 7:00 and it was obvious we were going to be late, so he called and found it not to be a problem. We finally get in the car and he hands me a map and says I’ve got to navigate. OMG! We headed for downtown Miami and the directions had so many twists and turns I couldn’t keep up with it. Pretty soon, we’re on this seedy dirt road under the freeway. I said “I don’t want to die” and he reassures me that this is on the up and up. In a minute, we pull up to a building that’s a restaurant called “Big Fish”. Great name for a dive, right? We go in and all the tables are set with linens and crystal and we get a table right on the water/river – whatever you call it. It was beautiful. Candles were everywhere. Pretty soon a yacht about 60 feel pulled up and the beautiful people got out to eat in the restaurant. I must admit it was very “Miami Vice-ish”. We both ordered grouper, grilled with lemon butter. He doesn't eat vegetables, so he got a double portion of mashed potatoes (and he does triathalons!!!) and I got a double portion of asparagus and spinich. We each had the grouper. It was wonderful. The ambiance, the food, the company. I forgot to mention that he brought me a pair of flip flops that he sells to celebrities for $150 a pair. They are black and the top is covered with Swarovski crystals in gold. Incredibly gorgeous. One of the reasons they’re so expensive is that the flip flops are “havaianas” imported from Brazil. The rubber is especially conducive to the type of glue that’s used. As it turns out, not only is my foot the same size as Paris Hilton’s, I now have a pair of shoes identical to hers. (SEE BELOW)

So, we came back to my place and took Ginger out, I changed from heels into my rhinestone flip-flops, and we caught the bus, just a block from my condo. He was mortified!!! When we got on (I'm still in my blue cocktail dress) I say "Happy Friday" to everyone on the bus. Nobody looked particularly happy. We got off somewhere in SoBe and walked around for about an hour. (I guess I should have been writing the names of places down) Then we went to a jazz club that's supposed to be famous called Van Dykes. We ordered one drink each and the freakin’ bill was $55!!!! I was floored. That’s worse than the two martinis at the Ritz Carlton for $36! Come to find out, there’s a cover charge that’s automatically put on the bill. We should have stayed the whole night for that price!!! We walked around some more but after 2 a.m., no one over the age of 30 was out and about. I, of course, was tipsy and took a picture of a temperature sign on the top of some famous building, and kept cautioning Mel that we couldn’t cross the street if the hand was orange. We laughed and joked and had the best time. I would point out things in the store windows and guess how much it cost. He knew the real cost of most things, like designer dresses and purses. I must have given him a jaw-dropped look every time. I guess the stores wouldn’t be in business if people weren’t buying there. Unreal. Since it was 3 a.m. when we started home, he insisted on catching a cab. I don’t think the bus is going to be a mode of transportation for him. We hugged good night and I hit the sack. I had a lunch date the next day and needed my rest for sure!!! He was sweet, intelligent, considerate, and held my hand the whole evening. It was really appreciated when I wore my heels, as well as walking on uneven pavement in the dark in new flip flops. He was a perfect gentleman in every way and I enjoyed every single minute. I’m sure you have pictured some Italian guy with grease slicked hair and a seedy smile. Here’s “Mel”:

My Boating Adventure

I was invited on a friend's boat for the week-end. Of course, I can't say what kind of boat, the name of the boat, where or when we went, nor the name of the Captain. Nor can I share many pictures. But, Ginger and I had a great time. She wore her life vest like a good girl:

The boat was beautiful, as was the weather. We had a "Plan B", in case the weather turned yucky but it didn't. The first night, we ate cheese, crackers, fruit and drank a bottle of Santa Marguerita. I slept like a baby, with the gentle rocking of the boat. Of course, Ginger slept in my arms.

She was pretty well behaved, for the most part. We all climbed into the dinghy for her "bathroom breaks" and to get a little exercise. She sat between the Captain and me and was totally happy until someone went down below for something. Then, she had to tag along. On Saturday, we went to a restaurant at a boutique hotel on the water and took Ginger. It was fairly rough, so climbing in and out of the dinghy was a bit of a challenge, but not insurmountable. I ordered a turkey sandwich that was so incredibly delicious. The bread was full of nuts and the sandwich had thinly slice roasted red pepper and cucumber on it, with stone ground mustard. That, a bottle of San Pellegrino, good company and the view all combined to make it a very memorable lunch. This is Ginger in her place on the bridge:

The view the second night was just gorgeous:

Of course, I can't tell you what it is a view OF.

The captain cooked dinner and wouldn't let me do anything, other than toss the salad. After spending the entire day on the water, bedtime came early. Breakfast consisted of whole wheat english muffins, yogurt and fruit. My favorite!

When I got back to my car, there were parking violation notices everywhere. I'm lucky it didn't get towed away. Overnight parking wasn't allowed. Oops. I got home early enough to be able to unpack, do laundry and get my wardrobe ready for the week ahead.