MY DATE WITH A GIGOLO

It all started with my ad on craigslist.com, seeking new friends to show me around town. I got a response from “Mel”. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) It was about 10 paragraphs long and the funniest e-mail I could imagine. He talked about his “money back guarantee”, and promised me that he would treat me like a lady, and cited reasons that I should go out with him. Now, I’m thinking that this guy is just the funniest person I’ve ever corresponded with. I’m thinking this “money back guarantee” is a joke, right? Wrong! He thought he had sent me his business card with the e-mail but didn’t. When I saw the business card, some of the things he said made perfect sense, but still incredibly funny. So, I sent him a list of the top ten reasons I didn’t need to pay anyone for their company. Of course, number 1 was the fact that I was currently unemployed and broke. He responded with an e-mail challenging my top ten and wrote this: “First off, I'm not trying to badger you or cause you consternation. I'm not a weirdo stalker or anything. I just have a really bad case of "blabberfingers" (aka of a different era: blabbermouth) and an overactive sense of humor and imagination and I need to go out with you if only once for fifteen minutes.”This is just too much fun. Please can we hook up for an initial "in person" chat or something?. Is this going to be possible? Please say yes!!!” How could I refuse such earnest pleading? And what a personality!!! He was adorable in every way, so I had to say yes. The logistics were fairly complicated. He was going to sleep with me (on my blow up bed), when I asked him if his wife wouldn’t be expecting him to sleep in a hotel. “HOLY COW”, he said “of course - I didn’t even think of that – she’ll ask for the receipt”. (She keeps the books) So, he booked a room at the hotel just up the street. My day Friday was fraught with errands and unexpected delays. I had to get my nails done and the gal was slow as molasses. The post office is always crowded and I had to get to Publix to purchase a pass for the freeway. I’m in Publix and it’s 5:00. “Mel” was supposed to pick me up at 6:00 and I was still 30 minutes from home. Fortunately, he was late as well. I rushed home, threw on some make-up and a royal blue cocktail dress but didn’t have time to take out Ginger or put away the refrigerated/frozen groceries. So, he shows up and I give him his choice of chores – take out the dog or put away the groceries. When I told him that he had to pick up the poop with a plastic bag, he opted for the grocery detail. He had made reservations at a “surprise” restaurant for 7:00 and it was obvious we were going to be late, so he called and found it not to be a problem. We finally get in the car and he hands me a map and says I’ve got to navigate. OMG! We headed for downtown Miami and the directions had so many twists and turns I couldn’t keep up with it. Pretty soon, we’re on this seedy dirt road under the freeway. I said “I don’t want to die” and he reassures me that this is on the up and up. In a minute, we pull up to a building that’s a restaurant called “Big Fish”. Great name for a dive, right? We go in and all the tables are set with linens and crystal and we get a table right on the water/river – whatever you call it. It was beautiful. Candles were everywhere. Pretty soon a yacht about 60 feel pulled up and the beautiful people got out to eat in the restaurant. I must admit it was very “Miami Vice-ish”. We both ordered grouper, grilled with lemon butter. He doesn't eat vegetables, so he got a double portion of mashed potatoes (and he does triathalons!!!) and I got a double portion of asparagus and spinich. We each had the grouper. It was wonderful. The ambiance, the food, the company. I forgot to mention that he brought me a pair of flip flops that he sells to celebrities for $150 a pair. They are black and the top is covered with Swarovski crystals in gold. Incredibly gorgeous. One of the reasons they’re so expensive is that the flip flops are “havaianas” imported from Brazil. The rubber is especially conducive to the type of glue that’s used. As it turns out, not only is my foot the same size as Paris Hilton’s, I now have a pair of shoes identical to hers. (SEE BELOW)

So, we came back to my place and took Ginger out, I changed from heels into my rhinestone flip-flops, and we caught the bus, just a block from my condo. He was mortified!!! When we got on (I'm still in my blue cocktail dress) I say "Happy Friday" to everyone on the bus. Nobody looked particularly happy. We got off somewhere in SoBe and walked around for about an hour. (I guess I should have been writing the names of places down) Then we went to a jazz club that's supposed to be famous called Van Dykes. We ordered one drink each and the freakin’ bill was $55!!!! I was floored. That’s worse than the two martinis at the Ritz Carlton for $36! Come to find out, there’s a cover charge that’s automatically put on the bill. We should have stayed the whole night for that price!!! We walked around some more but after 2 a.m., no one over the age of 30 was out and about. I, of course, was tipsy and took a picture of a temperature sign on the top of some famous building, and kept cautioning Mel that we couldn’t cross the street if the hand was orange. We laughed and joked and had the best time. I would point out things in the store windows and guess how much it cost. He knew the real cost of most things, like designer dresses and purses. I must have given him a jaw-dropped look every time. I guess the stores wouldn’t be in business if people weren’t buying there. Unreal. Since it was 3 a.m. when we started home, he insisted on catching a cab. I don’t think the bus is going to be a mode of transportation for him. We hugged good night and I hit the sack. I had a lunch date the next day and needed my rest for sure!!! He was sweet, intelligent, considerate, and held my hand the whole evening. It was really appreciated when I wore my heels, as well as walking on uneven pavement in the dark in new flip flops. He was a perfect gentleman in every way and I enjoyed every single minute. I’m sure you have pictured some Italian guy with grease slicked hair and a seedy smile. Here’s “Mel”: