Very Manly S&#T

What an experience! I’ve spent the entire Saturday for the last eight weeks training for the Chandler Police Department’s Patrol Assist program. What is it, you ask? Allow me to explain. As you know, I am enrolled in the Citizen Corps Volunteer program. The deal is that the government will pay off my student loan (for my EMT certification) to the tune of $2,600. The course and class materials cost me about $800. So…I make out, right? I don’t know how many hours I’ve got in right now, but I think it’s somewhere around 300. I could only go back to August to count my volunteer hours, or I would have already exceeded the 900. So – what is Patrol Assist??? It’s pretty much what it sounds like. As a volunteer, I will drive a patrol car and do whatever the patrol officers, detectives, or any sworn officer needs done. This might include traffic control at the scene of an accident, pushing disabled or wrecked cars off to the side of traffic, helping with paperwork, assisting with the transfer of evidence at a crime scene, transporting uninjured citizens at a collision scene, etc. I am also trained how to break into vehicles “legally” using specialized tools. This might include stolen cars, vehicles at a crime scene, situations where a kid is locked in a car, or a citizen locked their car with the keys inside and the car running. My duties also include writing tickets for parking violations, ticketing and towing abandoned cars, vacation watches, patrolling certain public areas such as airports, parks, water treatment plants, malls, etc. No, it’s nowhere as rewarding as my work in Victim’s Services, but it’s rewarding in its own way. I’m like an “assistant” to police officers. And, boy – do they appreciate us. We take a huge load off of the officers, allowing them to do their jobs. One of the most FUN training days started with a trip to a local junkyard. They equipped each of us (a class of 12) with a “lockout kit” and our job was to break into a minimum of 12 locked cars. I was done in an hour (must be something to do with the “feminine touch”), so I went over to the area where the junkyard dogs are kept. I notice that there is one dog, probably a pit bull, is tied up, but the other dog, a shepherd of some kind, is not. OK – he’s HUGE. Then I notice that there is a gate. That’s open…OOPS. This huge shepherd comes sauntering out of the enclosure and looks at me. What do I do? I FREEZE. You can’t even imagine how many thoughts were going through my head. From “OMG you’re going to die” to “maybe he’s a nice dog”. So…I stood completely still. The dog came up to me and I held out my hand for him to sniff. He sniffs my hand and then starts licking it. OK – no problemo here. Just about then, the other guys noticed what was going on and proceeded to tell me that they would distract the dog while I walked away. MEN! I felt like a “damsel in distress”. But did I need them? Not at all. I said “I’m fine – want to pet him?” It was an absolute HOOT!!! But that wasn’t all… We broke for lunch. Fortunately, I live close enough to the police department that I could come home for lunch. I just don’t like fast food. PLUS – it’s really hard to do low carb when you eat out. We were to meet an hour later at the Firebird Race Track. I teased all the guys (did I tell you that I was – and still am – the only woman enrolled in the progam?) about bringing my crash helmet. WHOA – wish I had one. Everyone drove their own vehicles to the race track. We’re standing in a group and get introduced to our instructor – an ex cop and now an instructor at the Bondurant School of Driving who specializes in training police officers. OK – I dressed fairly “macho” that day – uniform pants and a plain T-shirt. I didn’t feel “different” like I had in previous classes. All we saw was the racetrack and cones set up. Mark proceeds to demonstrate the first exercise. We are to accelerate to 25 mph, and when he says “left” or “right”, brake and swerve (through – not into) the cones in whatever direction he says. What he didn’t tell us is that he would state the command when we were right on top of the cones. The first time around, it took all the willpower I had NOT to slam on the brakes before he said his command. He waited until the very last second to say “left” or “right”. We had to do it three times. I did OK. No cones down. I’m feeling pretty confident at this point but now he says “OK – we’re going to try the same exercise, but now at 45 mph”. Guess what? I aced it three times in a row. The last guy is doing the exercise and we’re all standing around teasing each other about how many times we had to repeat the drill. (Some of the guys had to do it 4 or 5 times before they got it right.) I had no sooner quit bragging that I only had to do it 3 times, when the instructor motioned me over and said “I wasn’t happy with that last run – you’re doing it again”. I’m thinking to myself – “what is this – boot camp?” So – what did I do? I got cocky. The result? I plowed through (instead of around) the cones and killed myself. So then I had to do it three more times. The guys had a great laugh at my expense. The next exercise had to do with swerving (left or right, depending upon the instructor’s whim) and NOT braking at all – at 25 mph. Then – the same exercise at 45 mph. Let’s just say I passed and leave it at that. It was an adrenaline rush, ok. Your instinct says “SLAM ON THE BRAKES NOW”, but you can’t. The “grand finale” came when he taught us how to do the “J Turn”. Why is it called the “J Turn”? I have no idea. What this is? You start out driving backwards (and we had to get up to 45 mph), slamming on the brake, turning the wheel (and doing a lot of praying that you won’t die) and end up going in the same direction but facing forward instead of backwards. Whew! I hope I never have to do it. It’s like the old “E” ticket ride at Disney. At any rate, I graduated this past Saturday. I got: Police department badges, Patrol Assist badges, OC (aka “pepper spray), a belt, a radio holster, a flashlight holster, OC holster, all in all… VMS… Very manly shit !!! I can’t wait to tell you about going to look for “accessories” for my uniform. I went to buy work boots. Of course, I was dressed in a white skirt, sequined tank top and my fuschia heels. Looking for “manly shit”, like boots, gloves, rain poncho, etc. I go to a sporting goods store looking for VMS, right? (Remember my attire) I am looking for steel toed work boots and they don’t make them in a woman’s size 11n, so I have to buy men’s. I put these things on and immediately exclaim “these are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen, I’m not wearing them”. Everyone nearby looked and started laughing their heads off. So, I settled for a pair of hiking boots that weren’t quite as ugly. I got a couple of disposable rain ponchos, a pair of black leather gloves and a pair of heavy gloves with gripper thingies on the fingers.. Then, at the uniform store, I had to get fitted for my uniform and get my police bag. I asked the sales person about a holster for my belt for “things”. She said “what things?” I said – “you know, lipstick, a compact, wipies, Kleenex, etc.”. She looked at me like I had just grown a beard. She comes back with “we don’t carry anything like that in stock, you’ll have to have it custom made. Make a list of exactly what you want to put in it and I’ll have it made for you.” MAKE A LIST?????? Is she crazy? How can I make a list of “stuff”. You know what women carry in their purses. You try making a list. More later!